Madge Undersee
by Karawen
Summary: Madge's Diary based on Meant to Be by Belle453
1. Chapter 1

MADGE UNDERSEE

Gone

I wake again

In the middle of the night,

Feeling pain of what's been,

Seeing things as clear as sight.

My mirror reflects all the things I miss.

My mother in my stare,

Seeing all of this,

My father's curly hair,

People fallen into a dark abyss.

All the things that seemed so small,

Dinner in the evening,

Pictures on the wall,

There's such pain in conceiving

They're gone once and for all.

I sit with crumpled clothes,

And a few of our books,

Only glad no one knows,

And sad that no one looks.

I feel as though

I have completely failed,

I already know

I have come derailed.

I can think of no one

Who is left to care,

I can think of no one

Not here or anywhere.

I never knew alone before,

Until this costly fight,

So, I close the door

And try to say goodnight.

I know why I needed this. I haven't spoken about it very much, not by choice. I miss them so much. This feels like the right way to handle this, I can't ever get the words out. I can't talk about it, but its safe here, and it takes some of the pain away.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been quite a while since I've even picked up this journal. Work has kept me thankfully busy. I didn't realize how incredibly torn up I was. I suppose I still feel lonely, but I feel like I'm more myself now. Recovering bits and pieces of life before the revolution against Snow, and later against Coin, has been really therapeutic. Paylor seems to be really happy with the work that I am doing, and I love the history we had and bringing it both back to those who miss it like I do, and to those who have never seen it. It isn't always happy, but it brings me back home. I can be somewhere that doesn't exist anymore. There's something else that brings me comfort though, all though it's still unsure...it feels a little unsecured. Still, Archtur really gives me a reason to smile, he reminds me a little of Gale. Archtur actually notices me though; I doubt that Gale ever would have. I wonder from time to time why he spends his life going from girl to girl. I suppose that they do throw themselves at him though, and everyone has their own way of healing.

**The Right Feelings**

**Someday I might kiss your lips,**

**I might feel that just right feeling,**

**For now I've come to grips,**

**In this moment I'm just dealing.**

**I haven't quit believing**

**I know I never will,**

**My feelings are deceiving,**

**But I'm waiting still.**

**Come and take my breath away,**

**Light my life on fire,**

**Leave no words to say,**

**Redefine the word desire.**

**If you think it should be calm**

**Then you really have no clue,**

**But I haven't a single qualm**

**Coming out and telling you.**

**This time I'll have it right,**

**Or have it not at all,**

**I'd really like to fight,**

**To be the force against the fall.**

**If you think you have me,**

**Then you surely don't**

**If you just let it be,**

**Then you surely won't.**

**I won't take maybe, might,**

**Or someday I think I should,**

**I'll be out of sight,**

**While you decide you would.**

**I've seen a lot,**

**And have more to do,**

**If you're seeking what I've sought**

**Then maybe you'll come too.**

**But I have no patient heart,**

**If you are to tag along,**

**You better be there at the start,**

**And you have to hold on strong.**

**So now you know,**

**What there is to me,**

**If there's more to show,**

**You will simply have to see.**


	3. Chapter 3

Archtur and I have really been doing well! He didn't get time to spend with me on my birthday, but honestly I still feel odd celebrating it, with so many closest to me gone...he's very focused on his career and brilliant in so many ways. I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with him. I haven't felt happy in so long, but now I remember how it feels. With everything that's happened I'm still a little unsure. I suppose though, that my parents would want me to enjoy everything good that comes my way. I was sitting at my desk waiting for the newest recovery assignment to come through. I was thinking of Archtur and how good things were. I must be truly happy, because this just started coming to me.

Just Beginning

Just as I was burning out,

As I began to forget

What i was about,

As I started to regret,

As my heart filled with doubt...

You came along

You found me

It doesn't seem so wrong.

All I can see

Is someplace to belong.

I truly cannot decide,

If this is good

Or if I should hide,

Or Even if I could

Show you a softer side.

Is it worth a chance

To feel something again?

Is it too soon to dance

Considering what has been?

This could kill me slowly,

But it might be a sweet death,

I've been feeling pretty lowly,

But it's nice to feel your breath.

When you kiss me

I feel like I'm not dead,

I feel the most free

When you are in my head.

Condolences pass from many lips,

Of many that I know.

It was hard to come to grips

But with you it doesn't have to show.

I'm not quite reeling,

But my head is spinning,

And I get the feeling

Something is just beginning.

Too late to wait,

Too soon to say,

So we'll turn to fate

And give it day by day.

I really feel like the pieces of me start to come together when I'm with him. I feel like I can smile, and it isn't fake. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Archtur took me on a date today; we set aside the whole day. It was amazing. He is amazing. I really can't say how lucky I am to have someone in my life that makes such an effort to make things wonderful for me. I wrote another poem about this, if I keep this up I'm going to turn into a groupie! I can't help myself though, it's like he sees right into my core, like he knows just how to make me really wholly content.

The Date

The sun shone a faded yellow and a rusted red,

Your face was covered in a golden hue,

And a I knew I must be dead

To see you in that deep dark blue.

My fingers fumbled with the fraying string,

Of the pretty rich red cotton,

Of the quilt beside a shiny ring,

All my thoughts forgotten,

Besides this one thing.

I know I heard you right,

I always listen when you speak,

But what you said tonight,

Made me feel incredibly weak.

I told myself in the mirror and sitting on the bed,

I had told myself while talking,

I'd kept it running through my head,

I'd even recalled it this night walking,

But now my caution falls quite dead.

You had made a promise; you were slipping on that ring

You told me that you would stay with me,

We'd be together through every little thing,

If I'd only let you stay, if I'd only let it be.

I'd feel every little happiness you could surely bring.

So many times I've cried,

But never with a smile,

I heard it when you sighed,

You were worried all the while.

I told you I wanted nothing at all more,

I took your hand, and we walked back;

That night I let you through the door,

Without ever looking back,

Looking back at the pretty shore.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It's been a while since I've written…..but I feel so alone that even my own thoughts reflected back at me on paper seem to be company. Archtur doesn't really like the few people that I do spend time around, and he's been so distant that I really feel isolated. I wish I could tell someone who might understand…but I honestly feel more alone with him than when I am alone. When we are laying right next to one another in bed I feel like we are whole continents apart. When he falls asleep I find quiet tears falling down my face. I know I am not good enough for him, in my heart I know that he will not stay with me. He's going to leave; I am going to be alone again.

What You Haven't Said

Your eyes speak words your lips will not,

The way your body moves near mine,

Give the answers that I've sought,

But by far the biggest sign:

Your kisses have no feeling,

Your touches leave me numb,

My mind is reeling

At this greatest sum.

What it means is too clear,

It is as bright as day,

And my dear I fear

We have lost our way.

I want as I never have before,

I long with all my heart,

To pull you from that door;

To make a fresh new start.

You've been telling me

That I don't turn you on,

I'm starting now to see

That you're beginning to be gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**HE IS GONE**

If you have ever stood,

And felt as though you couldn't,

If you have ever felt ill,

With a sick for which there is no pill…..

If you ever cried long after all your tears were gone

If you ever screamed a silent scream at the break of dawn

If you ever tried to tell someone but no words came to speak

If you have ever hurt so badly it made your body weak…

Maybe you can understand the only words I know

If I tell you that I need to go

After you have stumbled upon

Me whispering quietly "He is gone"

Maybe you will let me walk away,

Maybe you have not one thing to say,

Maybe you will hug me tight,

Nothing fills the empty spot at night.

It's been quiet some while since Archtur told me he didn't love me. I left pretty abruptly. In fact I left a lot of my things there. What else could I do? We'd been battling our end for so long. I already knew really, I knew that I was not enough for him. I still feel hollow. When we were first together I wasn't sure if I felt love for him, or some silly temporary crush. I wasn't sure if I was feeling as a woman, or as the girl that the Rebellion and the burning district had wiped out. I guess disaster and tragedy has lent me emotional maturity beyond my years. I know beyond a doubt I love Archtur. Few other things, even in my life, have hurt quite as bad. It shouldn't feel this bad though should it? I lost my parents entirely, I won't ever see them again…..he is still alive. I might run across him some happy day. He always has been so nice, I am sure he would say hello and make small talk…he isn't really gone…but it feels so much like something has died. I feel it like a weight in my chest. It's been months and I still find that I unexpectedly break down when I see something that reminds me of him. I feel stupid, melodramatic….he is not dead…I should not feel so much like I've lost someone. I must work on being whole again; my family would think I was being completely ridiculous. There is a whole nation to maintain and build and I am crying over one man…


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

It's been quite some time since he left now. I'm alright. I miss him sometimes, the little things like how he would always sit next to me at an angle so that we could talk, or how he smelled like a room full of freshly printed papers and the woods…..but he didn't really did he. Gale smelled like the woods. They weren't really so different, Gale and Archtur. They both sort of considered me below them in the end. It's funny, I see Gale on the news with a new girl on his arm each day; I wonder how he does it. How can he have so many people around him that don't mean anything to him? I guess its part of being completely gorgeous and successful all in one. Haha…..I don't suppose he'd like being called gorgeous very much.

Paylor has invited me up to the second district to do some work for the Historical Society of New Panem. It's been rewarding and I'm happy to bring back every little bit of good I can pull from any corner of the world I can find it. It's very busy, but it's also keeping my mind from spiraling somewhere too dark to find my way out of. Although I've only been acting as Chief Historian Paylor has asked me to consider taking the position because of my dedication. I think that I will, this will help me become the Madge my parents would have been proud to see.

I also went and visited the District…..it was much too soon. Paylor had to take me back. Too much is gone. It's just too hard to handle. I'd almost just stepped off the plane and started seeing things how they are now there when I'd gotten sick and had to ask to go back. The funny thing, is that mostly…people look happier. It isn't the happy smiling faces I see though, it's the huge void space where the happy faces I know, somewhere in my heart, ought to be there. It's okay though…..I have a purpose. I can't bring the people I love back, but I can bring back so much of what they loved. Maybe in a way that does bring back small pieces of them….


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Things are really peaceful now, well that is until someone mentions Gale in front of Nona…..I'm in the office. I'm always in the office, or on the field, but I'm always happier that way, so it's okay. Well maybe I'm a little exasperated by Nona's unending Gale gushing; did I sound that silly talking about him in my head? I suppose I must have. I remember when I would have done just about anything to feel his lips on mine…it's funny…most men who act like they are worth their weight in gold and treat women more like food than like people don't really make much of an impression on me. But, I ran into Gale today earlier….actually Nona and I both did. Gale is something more than he acts, he is not just using women for the joy of it….actually I don't think he enjoys it at all. I guess if I'm really honest with myself I still feel a lot more for Gale than he knows…..just not as loudly as Nona.

But…if I really loved Archtur how can I have feelings for anyone else so quickly? It must be a passing attraction. Gale is a good guy, he's someone I knew back in District 12, and of course it must only be natural that there is some draw to him for me. He is familiar, that's all there is to it….Gale Hawthorne is just not someone that I can be romantically involved with. After all how much time of day did he really give me back when things were peaceful anyway? He called me a princess and spoiled, and who knows what else to other people. I wouldn't have a chance in the world at getting positive attention from him.

Look at me going on about Gale…..it's time for me to be productive and cut this out. Who really has time to go on like this? I sure shouldn't be.

Since Nona and I ran into Gale that sad look in his eyes keeps haunting me. Next time I see him I need to offer to be a friend, a confidant. I can see that he is lonely and hurting from something. Who knows what though, we have all lost a lot…..but I will show him that there is now so much to gain. Yes…I did come back today and write more about Gale after I spent the majority of the day thinking about him….but I was productive. I was just contemplating the emotional state of an old acquaintance. He did bring us strawberries, and I did drop off medicine for his back after the whipping he had for hunting. We are friends, we help each other, and it's what you for a friend. Why do I feel like I am writing this to prove it to myself more than to keep a record…I guess maybe I don't believe it? However, I know it really should be that way. I couldn't possibly fulfill Gale's needs when it comes to a woman…..I already know I'm not satisfying….because of how I let….him down. It's been a while since I've really thought too much about it. It's weird though, I don't feel so bad about it after having run into Gale and after rebuilding friendships that fell to the wayside while I was with….him.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Well Nona continued on for a second even longer time about "Gale Hawthorne" at work today. If I'm honest though, I didn't mind it this time. I suppose he probably still thinks of me as a spoiled princess type, but we ran into him during lunch today. He was definitely reevaluating the more developed and grown up Madge Undersee. It was good to see he notices some things; although he wasn't particularly suave about having run into me. He had that unfocused look of concentration in his eye for just couple of moments before he identified me, but I'm actually a little surprised he did at all considering the masses of women that all but beg to be a part of some modern day harem of his. He was surprised to see me too; I guess it only figures not one of my friends would even mention that I am still alive and well. Not even Katniss or Peeta, who I confronted District 12 to go and see…oh well c'est la vie. You can never know what a person will do with what they are given in life until they have already acted.

Speaking of not being predictable…..Gale invited me to dinner tonight and I need to get ready to go. This will be interesting. I have Nona to thank for it. Funny he asked me to dinner, but I never heard my voice agreeing to it…I never got the chance to agree or disagree. Well….I can't pretend to not be excited, although I don't think it's the greatest idea. Gale Hawthorne doesn't make a habit of just taking girls out to dinner, regardless of how he might feel about them. At least he's a piece of home though, right? After the way he assessed me today I ought to wear a turtle neck to shrink his ego a little bit. I'm sure the rest of the women out there have inflated it to the point of self-obsession.

Okay….time to find clothes for dinner with my….old crush…..new friend? …I'll sort that out later I suppose. This'll be interesting, I'm sure I will have more venting to do after dinner, here's to hoping it's all good things….whatever that means..


End file.
